About a Month

Is how long it took me to figure out I'm not anonymous anymore.

I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure why. I just know that now I wont be able to be as honest with myself as I want to be.

So I'm starting again. Elsewhere.

Thanks for reading, and who knows, you may run into my bitter self at some other point.

And another thing..

The human body has 1.232 gallons (5.6 liters) of blood.

The most expensive (lets call it 'high octane') blood is about $100 - $130 per unit. Thats a pint of almost pure type - O red blood cells, right out of the body. Its untested for blood critters at this point, so if you dont want to catch the HIV from your blood transfusion the price goes up.

(8 pints / gallon) X ($115 / pint) = $920 / gallon

The most expensive gas in the nation = Just about pushing $4 / gallon

So I was right about the whole 'getting screwed on the exchange rate'. We have thousands of orphans, homeless, and Democrats in this country. Cant we set up some sort of oil - for - blood industry and just pull the fuck out of the middle east now? The Iraq thing was fun for a while but now it is at best inefficient, and at worst a criminal misuse of thousand soldiers' blood.

Word Mincer

No blood for oil? Fuck you very much, but I'm all for cheap oil, thanks. I'm just a bit confused about the exchange rate.. we've lost what, 4k souldiers in the 5 plus years of 'The War for Oil'? And the gas prices.. they are where now?

Oh, right. They went up some twenty motherfucking percent.

I'm not even going to start on how all of this impacts the general cost of goods. Suffice to say, most everything you buy has oil (direct, or bi-product) value added somewhere during its production.

The national deficit? Yeah, thats at 9.3 trillion dollars. That piece of shit grew from 5.8 trillion to 9.3 trillion in just eight ass raping years. To put it into perspective, every man woman and child in the U.S of A owe around $30K to all sorts of financial entities (fun fact: 22.7% of that is owed to international interests! Weee!).

Its getting to the point where we will no longer be able to pay the interest on the debt. And that is utterly terrifying.

If the United States were an individual, we would have already declared bankruptcy. Big middle finger up to all of the assholes with the IOUs. Don't expect the back rent.

Mandatory cost of living decrease and credit counciling for all 300 million of us.

Or maybe we can just stop spending so much goddamn money on a war that has no end in sight, and no potential monetary incentive what-so-ever.

Knowing When To Say When

I've never been a very good writer. For the most part I try to splash my thoughts as quickly as possible on the page, than edit them into something resembling 'readable'. That makes me more of a re-writer than a writer.

Along that twisty train of though, I'm not really sure how to say that I'm in the midst of a personal quandary, but decisions are going to be made in the next several months that will likely impact my life for decades. And none of the decisions are standalone: they each impact one another like some fucked up partial differential system of equations. In other words: I am a mess.

Naturally, as with most issues in my life, the biggest one has to do with Woman. I'm happy, I think shes happy. We're pretty happy. Its been three years of pretty happy. Its been so fucking happy that her parents, my parents, her cousins, friends, and random bar acquaintances are asking me when I'm going to 'pop the question'.

There are problems of course. For starters, my raging libido and her inability to give a shit about it. I dont want my life to be the cliched married guy that cant get sex from his wife. And I should mention that the only way I'm willing to separate a marriage is with a firearm.

But now we are thinking of moving (read: I need to get the hell out of Santa Barbara), and I'm pretty sure there needs to be more of a commitment than 'Yes babe, I'm pretty sure I'll marry you soon'. I've been using that one too long and its become ineffective.

Anyway, I'm not 'popping' anything until I get laid in a timely manner.

Electability

After the interview with Obama's preacher of two decades, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, it appears that in a countrywide poll seventy five percent of republicans and fifty percent of the democrats said they were far less likely to vote for Obama.

"Wright, who retired recently, has railed that the September 11 attacks were retribution for U.S. foreign policy, called the U.S. government the source of the AIDS virus and expressed anger over what he called racist America." Source: Rueters.

I dont think anyone cares what the Republicans think (75% less likely to vote for Obabma.. what is 75% of zero anyway?). As for the democrats, they look like thier just about ready to implode.

Thats what you get for having two front runners that are, for all intents and purposes, completely unelectable. No matter how uplifting their message is, no matter how great their governing skills, America is not ready for a woman president. Or a black president who's middle name is 'Hussein'. Its just not going to happen, and for the same reason that my personal hero Ron Paul couldn't happen.

Other Areas of Interest

In my daily quest to avoid any actual work, yet appear to be busy, I have come across this blog. Lots of passive aggressive goodness can be had.

Aaand during the three martini lunch I found something that is also fabulous:

A Quiky

Photo: Robert Caplin for The New York Times

As my good friend once told me: if it floats, flies, or fornicates, it cheaper to rent. Though I perhaps not at the rate that Mr. Spitzer was paying.

A Good Day

Spring has come back in full force here, despite what some prescient rodent would have you believe.

I cut out early and sat at the bar patio like a bum for the entirety of the sunset. It reminds me of how much time I used to have for myself, and how much I've wasted by not enjoying it entirely.

That being said, I still went home and played video games for several buzz-filled hours.

Unfinished Buisness

I have three separate posts that I'm in the process of writing. I cant seem to finish any of them.

The doctors, they are not happy with my ongoing physical deterioration. The one I dubbed 'ass doctor' to her own great dismay, has given me actual suppositories to take. She knows I wont take them, and she'll keep prescribing them. Its a little game we play.

Otherwise, its the same old song: eat better, exercise more. Stop drinking.

Egalitarian

Came out of left field, knocked the wind out of me. Are women even allowed to do this sort of thing?

I've put in an awful lot of effort into equality in my current relationship. That being said, perhaps my patriarchal big bad self was not prepared for a marriage proposal coming from Woman. I had always assumed it was up to me.

Besides, is 4AM on a Saturday morning after 6 intense hours drinking really a good time for this sort of thing? I doubt it, but than again the morning after strategy seems to be pretending 'it' never happened anyway.

Too Tired To Care

After a few weeks of anticipation, yesterday my (cocksucker of a) manager pulled me into his office for a performance review. The promotion is mine.

I have mixed feelings about it. For one, I’m probably one of the youngest guys to get this outside of my (cocksucker of a former) manager, and I’m a bit terrified about the team I have to put together. If any of these guys are going to be even a fraction of my assholeness, I’m in for trouble.

And my friend, the one that has been with the company for about twice as long as I have, the one that indeed got me this job, he did not get a promotion.

So I'm happy, and scared. And irrationally guilty.

Its Washington, Y'all!

First of all, go here.

Now tell me, why the fuck do we get Martin Luther King day off, but not Washington's (six foot 20 fucking killing for fun) birthday?

By the by, if you liked the video, Brad Neely is the creator and a google for his name will bring up more shenanigans.

Iowa

Previously believed to be a fly-over state, Iowa has now been confirmed to have actual people living in and around its capitol. I cannot confirm anything beyond Des Moines.

When confronted with the obvious (to me at least) question of why holly hell any of them would want to stick around any place that gets this cold on a yearly basis, these people get testy and inquire when my flight for California is scheduled.



That white shit you see on and around the cars? Yeah, thats fucking snow. This crap will actually fall out of the sky and blanket any dumb-ass unlucky enough to be caught outside. It goes without saying that I don't have anything heavier than a suit jacket in my entire wardrobe.

Hooky

I was just reading an article about the maturity and development of the 20-something male in America. The thesis behind this woman's work is that the modern male takes longer to leave the adolescent faze, sometimes waiting until entering well into the mid twenties to take on responsibilities of adulthood.

Along those lines, I confess that on Wednesday I proudly waved a one finger salute to my boss and my crazy deadlines. I played hooky from work to play a video game I downloaded the night before.

Take that adulthood!

Someone explain to me again what the benefits are for the modern male to jump into adulthood?

Survey

There is one.

Go take it. Than if you'd like, tell me about your candidate.

Really, Whats the Object Here?

What is the point of voting anymore? Does anyone actually hold to the illusion that the most 'deserving' candidate will win? The only thing the losers that are paraded in front of our television deserve are giant helpings of scorn and derision.

The candidate that would serve as the best president likely wouldn't make it to the fucking primaries. He (or she) wouldn't be the kind of person that wheels and deals through slimy political circles, fellating the special interest groups for campaign contributions. So here we are again. The entire nation standing around with our metaphorical dicks in our hands: being asked to once again choose the lesser of the two evils for yet another round of fuckage.

I’m writing in my own candidate: the tranny hooker who hangs out at Carrows across the street. At least the guys she screws all leave with smiles.

Thats Where 'it' Is

Its been more than a year and half since I took this position and all of the perks and responsibilities that came with it.

When I was a temp I was making shit money, just enough to pay the rent and keep the fridge stocked (with beer). I was broke but I was undoubtedly a hell of a lot happier because I had the power to leave at any time. Just leave a big ‘fuck you’ on the monitor and never come back.

Now.. well.. now it’s a bit different, isn’t it? The money is great, but they don’t tell you that as soon as you start using it, your utterly in the shit. The bills pile up and the ability to fuck off at a moments notice disappears. People depend on you for their well being. The fridge has wonder bread and lunch meats.

For the record I never dropped a job, temporary or otherwise, without the requisite two weeks. It was enough to have the illusion of freedom.

The Fairer Sex

Holy Farking Christ. This article made my man parts jump way up inside my body. They're terrified and refusing to come out until I promise to get a vasectomy.

Also!

I've been using the term 'felonious cocksucking' quiet a bit (as in 'felonious cocksucking with intent to swallow', as in Reservoir Dogs), but she actually took it to a whole new level. Congratulations lady, you keep on living that dream.

And Now for Something Completely Different

You think Britney Spears has some sort of monopoly on the self destructive crazy? Shaving your head and prancing around naked in a fountain is a pretty good trick, but if you want to take your camera loving self destruction to a whole new level, have your people call Mrs. Amy Winehouse.

I don't care how good her music is. She looks like something that hides under bridges coming out after dark to feed on small children and billy goats. Of course the tabloids love her because she's a train wreck filmed in slow motion with all the glorious details that go into a first rate celebrity death.

Why the general public wants to hear about her wacky shenanigans is beyond me.

Life From Afar

Have you guys heard of Chuck Palahniuk? He wrote fight club and is the proud owner of this quote:

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake."

Now replace 'insomnia' with 'jet lag' and its a perfect description of where my head is on this fine Californian day.

Fight club also has this quote tucked in somewhere towards the middle of the book and it describes jet lag directly. Its just a bit to angsty for my taste.

"You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O'Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? "

I'm In Dallas

I'm not positive, but I am pretty sure that this may be the most god awful place these bastards have sent me to, to date.

I cannot believe how out of fucking hand urban sprawl can get if not constrained by land scarcity.

Can't Relate

I’m walking down the street yesterday thinking about my impending trip out to Dallas and what that may mean in terms of my future with this company. I’m pretty thrilled, since it seems I may have finally reached that yuppy golden calf: middle management.

Anyway, I’m walking down to the bar to get a beer with the Woman, when some street urchin kid half my age (Ok, side not: When did half my age become a teenager? When did Half My Age start smoking and borrowing their mothers minivan? Half My Age used to be a kid in the middle of puberty for fucks sake! Anyway…) shoves me and sullenly declares “What are you looking at? Don’t look at me!”.

As a general rule I don’t punch girls, but if I hadn’t been distracted or noticed that it was in fact a girl, I would have kicked her right in the ovaries. Jesus Christ.

Who the Hell is Ron Paul?

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to raise 8 million dollars in one day without PACs? Something like 96% of this guys revenue comes from individuals (compare that to a 50 – 50 of regular candidates).

Anyway, I looked him up and I gotta say I’m impressed. Maybe you remember my rant about Barry Goldwater? Yeah, this guy is pretty damn close. The Libertarians and the Constitutionalists both endorse him, and he’s running as a Republican.

And I notice that Huckabee and that unbelievable cocksucker, Romney, are in the lead.

America, listen closely: electing a man that thinks its just fine and dandy to have an official state religion is a bad plan. Like fucking a hooker without prophylactics bad. Like punching yourself repeatedly in the face bad. Like civil war bad.

I'm New To This

I don't have the wisdom that experience brings, helping to guide me through the decisions and soothing the worries. I'm new, and I all I have to go by is what I feel is right and what I feel is wrong.

Thats the disclaimer: I could be absolutely and unreservedly incorrect about these notions.

That being said, I’m the one that’s doing all of the heavy lifting here. I’m in this goddamn office sixty hours a week, working what could possibly be the most boring job in the world outside of those women in China that knit like 60 sweaters a day. Yes I know the Woman has her schooling and some freelance crap on the side; it doesn’t compare on a per-hour basis.

Laughing at me when I demand my daily home cooked meal, beer, and blow job is not an acceptable reaction.

I’m just sayin’.

2008: Much Like 2007

I cant get into the whole New Years resolution business. I’ve tried it years past, and I can honestly say that not a single ‘resolution’ passed the two month mark.

Besides, lets say you decided to give up all of your unhealthy habits and subscribe to a healthier lifestyle. Could you really go a full year on a diet without the succor of alcohol and nicotine? And would that year be worth living?

I say fuck that. Don’t shoot heroine into your eyeballs every day of the month. That’s overdoing it. Don’t pretend your going to all of a sudden drop from a (respectable) size 8 to a size 1 in two months. That’s overdoing it too.

And no, the two do not cosmically balance each other out. The key word here is moderation.